The Social Killer: Neediness & How To Let Go of It...

Have you ever had the experience of really needing something to happen in your life?

You tried and tried and tried but no matter how much effort you put in you just couldn’t get the results you were after?

Then you reach a point where something just snaps and you say to yourself, ‘Oh to hell with it, if it happens it happens!’

Then, all of a sudden, what you were after mysteriously enters your life.

We’ve all had experiences like this at some level where we give up trying to get something we feel we so desperately need and then, all of a sudden, it naturally comes into our lives.

A prime example happens to most people if they have been single for a while and they become desperate to find a relationship. They find themselves trying so hard to find someone that they give off signs of desperation. These signals get picked up by the prospective partner and they are turned off.

Then, when they eventually do find someone, because they no longer give off signals of neediness they become a more attractive proposition to members of the opposite sex and hence invite more opportunities.

It’s just like the old saying, ‘You wait all day for a bus and then, when one comes, all of a sudden 3 more come at the same time!’

There's no doubt about it, neediness is a killer...also, on the flip side of things, lack of neediness is tremendously attractive. It conveys confidence, that you have things together and that you are of high value.

There’s a reasonably well know phrase in sales that states, ‘Never attempt to sale something from a place of need. Only attempt to sell from a place of giving’.

Needing something is completely different to wanting something. To need implies that if you don’t get it then you will not be able to survive or you will be less of a human being. Whether it be financially, mentally, physically or spiritually.

However, to want something implies that you will still be okay even if you don’t get it. Your life may be better if you do get it but if you don’t then you will still be okay. While the exact definitions of want and need will be unique to each individual, generally speaking want suggests a position of desire and need suggests a position of desperation.

So keep this in mind when you are socializing and interacting with someone...Avoid doing so from a position of need. If you are interacting with someone from a position of need then you will inevitable give off signals of desperation and this is the exact opposite of what people are attracted to.

Now you may be saying to yourself,

‘But Steve, I need to get more sales or I need to find a relationship or I need to convince my co-workers of this idea! Where does this leave me?’

By letting go of this need to get results but still deep down wanting to achieve them you'll be operating from a position of desire as apposed to one of desperation which is, generally speaking, a far more attractive quality.

One way I'd recommend to let go of your need to get results is by using something called the Sedona method. The Sedona method was created by Lester Levenson and provides simple questions that you can use to let go of negative emotions and problems as quickly and as easily as possible. It also provides you with a way of letting go of those unnecessary needs than can often be a social killer so that you can relax and be more comfortable around people. The basis of the Sedona method is to ask three simple questions. To get an experience of how the Sedona method works experiment with the following exercise.

Putting it into Practice:-The art of letting go...

  1. Think of a social situation that has a considerable amount of neediness attached to it. (relationships, new friends, family etc.)
  2. Close your eyes for a moment and notice what you see, hear and feel when you are experiencing the neediness associated with this goal.
  3. As you notice what you see, hear and feel ask yourself the following questions pausing for a response between each one:
    • Could you let it go?
    • Would you let it go?
    • When?

As you ask these question become aware of how your experience changes. If you do not notice any changes keep repeating them until you do. Generally speaking what happens is, as you ask these questions, you will get a sense of letting go of the feelings of need you have associated with this goal. Some people describe it as being like the sense of relief you get as you slip into a warm bath at the end of the day.

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