How to Develop that 'Quiet Confidence'...

The word confidence conjures up different things for different people. It’s a clichéd view shared by many that if you’re not thrusting your chest out, standing tall and being the life and sole of every party then you’re not confident. I’m sure it’s true for some people but a lot of the time it can actually be the opposite...

I find it’s the people who genuinely don’t ‘feel the need’ to be the centre of attention all the time that are usually the ones that are the most confident. They probably could be if they wanted but they don’t constantly require the need for social validation.

It’s nice when they get it but they don’t need it to ‘just be okay’...Confidence obviously comes in many shapes and forms and there are, of course, people who are loud and gregarious and are also very confident...But if you’re not one of those ‘extrovert’ types then that doesn’t mean you’re not or can’t be confident. It just means you can have your own special type of confidence.We even have a name for this...It’s called ‘Quiet confidence’...

Quite confidence is a wonderful thing to develop. It’s a deep internal sense of worth and certainty that emanates outwards. It doesn’t require much (if any) validation from the outside world. It’s the deep acknowledgement of how worthwhile and valuable your personality is and it’s one of the most important things you can cultivate through time.Introverts can most definitely be confident too...In fact, I’m often more than a little suspicious of someone who seems to be trying just too hard to impress.

I know a lot of people buy into it but I’ve often found that their putting so much effort in because they crave the social validation...they need it!Whereas when you deeply recognise your achievements, your qualities (even the small ones) and start to explore all the reasons why you’re amazing irrespective of what other people think then you don’t need anywhere near as much validation and you don’t have to ‘try and be confident’.

There’s a phrase that’s often banded about in self help books that says you have to ‘Fake it until you make it’. Where you pretend to be confident or happy or relaxed and then eventually you’ll develop the neural pathways and start to be that way.  That’s certainly one way of building confidence but personally I think its closer to the truth that you ‘Fake it until you suddenly realise that you had it all a long’.

It’s like the in the film ‘The Wizard of Oz’. Dorothy travels to the Emerald city with her three new friends (the scarecrow, the lion and the tin man) to find the fabled Wizard of Oz so she can return to Kansas.

On her travels each of her new friends reveals a ‘personality deficit’ that they believe they have. The tin man believes he doesn’t have a heart, the scarecrow a brain and the lion thinks he is missing courage.On their way to Oz, though, they all start to demonstrate the qualities they mistakenly think they do not have. The Scarecrow comes up with several good ideas, the Tin Man is kind and sympathetic, and the Lion, though terrified, is ready to face danger. It’s not that they lacked those’s that they had temporarily forgot and needed re-convincing.

I’m here to tell you the same is true for confidence.

You can always become more confident but you’re doing yourself an injustice to say you’re not.In Psychotherapy there’s something called a repressed memory. A concept used to describe a memory or collection of memories that have become unavailable for recall, for whatever reason...Well I believe in repressed confidence.

Everyone has enough things in their past and present to make them realise they are confident. It’s just they’ve been ignoring them up until now.I mean think about it...If you were to sort through the last ten years of your past and write down every success you’ve had (no matter how small) you’d be writing for a long time.

The fact you’ve made it this point in life is a huge success in itself. You learned to speak, to walk, to talk, to go to school and the many other collage of experiences you’ve had.We’ve all had many successful experiences...the problem is we often don’t give ourselves credit for them enough. And by giving credit i don’t mean boasting to everyone you meet...I mean going inside and re-living them and feeling the feelings you felt at the time and how successful and valuable that makes you feel.

I call this process ‘The Personal Trophy room’ ad it ‘something i recommend any of my clients do and I regularly do it myself.Here’s a quick condensed version for you to play about with...When done often it can make a profound impact on your levels of happiness, your success and most of all your ‘Quite Confidence’...

The Personal Trophy Room (takes about 20 minutes)

  1. Go back inside your mind and think of the first success you remember having. It could be pre-school, during or after.
  2. Write this success down on a piece of paper or a journal.
  3. Now think of the next success chronologically you had following that. Write this down as well.
  4. Continue to write down all your successes (even the small ones) in chronological order up to the present day.
  5. Once you have your list close your eyes and re-live each of the successes one after the other as if each one is happening after the last.
  6. Once you have re-experienced them all imagine being in your future with this new found sense of confidence.
  7. Enjoy for as long as you like.


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